Babies, Mamas and Drama - Project Runway 3, Episode 7

Wow, Jeffrey is an asshole.

Sorry this is so late, bitches! It's gonna be hella short too. It's Wednesday, it's almost 2pm and all I've got is that Jeffrey's an asshole.

Duh.

Anyway, I'm hella busy this week. Too busy to blog. Here's the gist of it all though!

Jeffey's still an asshole.

Laura is going to pop out another kid and "throw it on the pile". That's hot.

Kayne used to be fat...shut up!

Vincent treats foreign people like they are two years old. How did he even win? Mama Uli looked hella paunchy in that thing. Not so flattering.

Uli should have won. Her use of patterns is phenomenal.

Robert went home. Apparently he can only design for little plastic dolls and Isaac Mizrahi...makes sense to me.

I'm shocked Angela didn't totally round house kick Jeffrey in the gonads...cuz if anyone ever talked to my mom like that. Forget about it...you better hope you don't want any more kids cuz after I'm done with you...

So that's a recap of my recap with, sadly, no pictures.

Probably going to have another week like this, this week, but we'll see.

Here's to hoping Angela's grows a pair and nails Jeffrey in his...

Somewhere, Unicorns Are Sobbing... Season 3 - Episode 6

...a Care Bear is sitting silently in a dark room...

...and a rainbow has just crumbled to the ground.

See?!

Do ya see?!

Look what you've done, Klum!

The most adorable and sweetest designer in Project Runway history is gone because Vincent's cringe-inducing love toward his designs makes for good television.


For shame.

Okay, I'm done...I think...

Our designers challenge was completely trashy, har har.

But seriously...who wants to wade through other peoples garbage for fashion? Fortunately for viewers the majority of the designs looked pretty good.

Someone's trash is another person's cocktail dress...or something.

So Tim wakes the designers up at 5am and we saw everyone looking ten kinds of tired and all "Get that camera out of my face"

Laura was wearing pajamas...you mean she doesn't wear cocktail dresses and riding boots to bed?

Well, she DID wear the riding boots (not to mention the rest of the riding outift) to the recycling plant.

Alison says something along the lines of "It's a good thing you brought that in case its horses."


I mean...not quite, but that's probably the most casual thing Laura brought with her.

So they enter Jersey where horses and trash inter-mingle, Laura says something nasty about The Garden State and I nod in agreement...sorry Jersey lovers.

Tim shows them this warehouse and the designers are all "Where are we?" I guess the smell didn't indicate they'd be wading through nastiness.

The designers are given proctective gear to wear...just in case paper falls on them.


But I can't even front. Tim looks totally cute in his kicky yellow contruction hat.

They also get $25 to make the trash look pretty.

Pretty trashy?

It's just too easy this time...

Anyway, Bad Mommy Laura turned the bitch switch up to full volume this week. I heard this rumor, that if you stare directly into her eyes, you'll have a seizure.

I can't be sure...it's just what I hear.

While on the subject of Laura, I can't help but discuss Robert and Kayne's queenie meal break where they totally broke her down.

While I think talking about people behind their back is a tad on the wrong side (don't get me wrong, I do it...but I feel bad after...and I'm also not on national TV) I think it's cool that they are so "feh" about her mannerisms.

I feel like Laura could make you cry with one sentence or shudder just by looking at you critically. Jeffrey's clearly affected by her (or the stick up his ass) and I think Angela might be terrified of her.

Seeing Robert and Kayne so comical made it seem okay that her blood is laced with ice.

And nuts.

And low cut, v-neck dresses, in non-threatening colors that hit just above your knee.

While I have to give her props for doing the whole "For Nuts Only" on the back (not to mention pretending to beatbox with Michael, despite the fact that she probably has negative rhythm) this looks oddly familiar...

Oh that's right! It's because you designed the same dress that you have on!

This picture looks like some weird, side-by-side comparison illusion, where the people are actually the exact same, but the colors are completely inverted.

I love Bad Mommy and she makes for great tv, but her designs are hella boring. She needs to step up.

In other news, Jeffrey is the only designer who deserves to be in this competition.

At least in Jeffrey's mind. For someone whose chin and neck kind of blend together he's awfully critical of other people. Maybe that's why he got the tattoos...so people could see the difference.

At least he didn't do that quacking shit again. That was fucking annoying.

Jeffrey's bitching wasn't for naught however, as he ALMOST won another challenge.

Maybe if her weren't such an asshole, I could feel bad for his thiscloseness. His models shoes were hot though, and he used my school colors, so I can't be all mad.

Tim sort of torked me off this week when he called Alison's model "zaftig".

zaf·tig or zof·tig (zäftk, -tg)
adj.
1. Full-bosomed.
2. Having a full, shapely figure.
3. Deliciously plump, or carrying your extra weight very well.

Alison's model is many things...

..."zaftig" is not one of them.

I am zaftig. I'm 5'9" and wear a size 14 or 16. I carry my weight well and always feel good about myself.

Alexandra is not zaftig.

Okay, maybe this dress is a little balloony...or bubbly...for the love of GOD! Why so many bubble SKIRTS!

Anyway, I usually think Tim speaks the gospel about everything, but I have to way disagree with that.

I also have to disagree with the advice he gave to Kayne.

I think I'm the only person who watched the show this week that actually liked Kayne's first skirt. Granted, it was essentially just a ball gown skirt with a giant flower painted on it and green tipped bottle tops, but the flower was really really pretty.

Instead, Kayne used Mylar and instead of having it look as though a "toad exploded all over her" she looked like a cracked out Tinkerbell walking the mean streets of Neverland.

Give this chick some glitter wings and fairy dust and she can go around spreading std's and poorly laced drugs to everyone in NYC. Maybe that's why Nina and Michael are always so snarky.

My bad...sorry Tink.

Speaking of Michael, Kayne's toad comment totally had me flashing back to "It looks like...like a baboon's ass exploded all over her backside!" Which Michael technically never said, but I figure spot-on impressions kind of work like osmosis.

I'm also pretty sure I'm the only one that actually liked the hair and makeup and thought it added to the design, crazy as it was.

Good thing for Kayne he told the truth that he messed up and saved himself. That's good, since I kind of love him.

And the Other Designers Who Used Mylar Better Than Kayne award goes to...

Robert

Uli

and Angela.

Congrats bitches, you made Bradley's disasterous foil from last week look kind of hot. Doesn't Angela's model look a little "Take me to you leader" in that picture?

Yeah, she looks all kinds of alien here.

Vincent's ass should have been out this week. The made an ugly tube dress and threw shit on it. Then he got mad creepy and started saying things about how it made it feel.

I'm not going there.

It's scares me.

It's fucking hideous.

It looks like Jackson Pollack for drunk and booted all over it.

Plus it looks really difficult to walk in. Laura noticed this as well and completely loses her shit after Alison is aufed and goes after Vincent like my dog chases tennis balls. She starts verbally wailing on him and he tells her to shove some Harry Winstons up her nose, which is funny because she's fucking rolling in it.

She also got all up in Kayne's grill prior to the runway and Kayne's reaction was pretty hot as he explained that he wouldn't be berated on television. Bad Mommy needs a nap.

Michael wins again!

Unfortch, he got overshadowed by all the whickety drama going on.

The use of the plastic tarp as a chic wrap was genius though! And good job using that accessories wall to it's fullest.

So Alison is gone and we won't be able to see her sweet face any longer.

It's sad.

Come out of the dark TenderHeart Bear. We'll see Alison again soon.

I will try to leave you with some funny.

Doesn't Robert look like he's posing for a phone sex advertisement in this picture?

I bet his whiny lisp really rakes in the dough...

Just call 1-900-DISCO-BALL.

And before you do ANYTHING else today, go here and check out Rich's Fleurchon/Vagina argument caps. Even if you've seen it before it's still funny as shit. I've read it like five times.

So next week is a mystery...unless BPRers can figure it out...you know we're like bloodhounds for this show!

Don't forget to support Robert in his night job!

Do You Believe in Life After...Runway? Season 3- Episode 5

I was thinking about calling this post "Bye Bye Bradley" and doing a whole "Bye Bye Birdie" thing, complete with new lyrics to the song and shit...then I realized I was way too lazy.

Plus, when I started looking for pictures of Cher, I realized how amazingly high-fashion she was, is and always will be. So I ask this question...What the hell Bradley?!

How can anyone in the design industry not be familiar with at least ONE of Cher's looks to recreate?

And on top of that, he didn't ONCE mention the name of the fabulous and fierce Bob Mackie.

Clearly, our dear Bradley was not familiar with Cher and her mulititudes of style.

My absolute favorite looks she had were during the Sonny and Cher days. The stunning long black hair and killer outfits by the one and only Mr. Mackie...shut the eff up!

Now, as much as I heart Bradley, his misknowledge of the fantastic Cher had me in total agreement with his aufing.

This is what our dear Bradley came up with...

Why couldn't Bradley have drawn inspiration from one of these fabulous looks?

He COULD have sent his model down naked according to Cher's past fashions...

Which I could have dealt with just fine.

It would have been better then his foil topped skinny white pant outfit from hell.

I could have even dealt with THIS...

And we all know how trashtastic that outfit was...at least it made a statement. One that said more then take me to your leader...and his camel toe.

Hell, I would have preferred THIS too...

At least it was hot in it's time, no?

Shit, it would have been better on his model at least. And no camel toe!

Bradley recreated a Cher look that has never existed...and he did it badly.

Bradley gave up and there was no Birthday fairy to save him this time.

Bradley is a squid with no ocean.

Bradley is a designer with no runway...

But hey! Everyone else kind of kicked ass on this challenge...

And check it out...Keith released Michael Kors from his dungeon filled with sewing books and tiny women with itty bitty sewing machines who were making his clothes for him.

The Kors is back...

And as bitchy as ever.

My other favorite Michael won this challenge which pitted the models against each other in a battle of pure luck and bony elbows.

The luck came from the velvet bag, button picking ceremony in which the models chose their designers. Bradley was last and chose that, poor-man's Katie Holmes before she was brainwashed, girl.

The bony elbows came from this:

An all out pussy fight to choose a style icon that their designer would work with.

And the pairings were a little bit of perfection most of the way around.

I completely geeked out when I found out that Kayne's icon would be Marilyn Monroe. I sort of love him and I ABSOLUTELY love her, so my happiness was fueled to it's brink.

He was very close to having another win under his belt with this fabulous slinky black number.

And IN that slinky black number was Amanda. And we find out that Amanda likes to talk...and talk...and talk...and talk...and talk some more.

Kayne's reaction was fantastic and he was very quotable with his quote that models "should be pretty and seen and don't open your mouth."

That reminds me of Arrested Development and the school that Buster went to where children were neither seen or heard...great show Arrested Development was...great show.

But back to the point, Kayne didn't win.

As we all know, the actual winner was Michael...

YAY!
YAY!!!!

He designed for Pam Grier and shit y'all...it was smokin'!

HAWT!

The other designer in the top three was Angela. Wait, wha?

Yeah, Angela has been stepping her shit up lately and kicking ass. I really loved her first challenge outfit and then her fight with Vincent turned everyone off. Following this, her bubble skirt fiasco had most of us throwing up in our mouths, and I figured Angela was on her way auf.

Little did we all know that Angela has this cool ability to keep her crazy button turned to off at times and she ends up with some killer pieces.

Who knew?

And while Angela dresses like a hobo with a bladder problem most of the time...

She a really, really pretty girl.

Even when she's defending herself against Jeffrey and his quacking.

Speaking of Duck Man, what the fuck was this?

Maybe he should spend less time quacking and more time at Madonna concerts...

Bad Mommy was involved in this quack fight as she tried to defend Angela. Jeffrey said he wished she would have a stroke or something.

First of all, that's seriously evil.

Second of all, Bad Mommy could kick your ass if she had a wonky eye, no legs and six fingers total...

She's a bad ass mother and a stone cold bitch. A stroke is barely a blip on Bad Mommy's radar.

And if her sidekick, Captain Save-A-Ho ever reveals his true self, they'd make an unstoppable team...

In other news, Robert has just become the most boring designer in Project Runway history.

He designs for Barbie...when did he become so incredibly bland?

It's linen! It's beige! It's...zzzzzzzzz......

Sorry, I passed out from boredom.

Let's get to Vincent and his Twiggy meets Braveheart concoction.

Wait, I lied. Let's first examine this picture and realize that Bradley's aufing was incredibly imminent.

Bradley, dear, if Vincent of all people is looking at your design like "Tha fuck is this?", you know you're in trouble.

Onto TwiggyHeart...

This was almost majorly perfect. Vincent's first mistake was not using knee high boots. I could care less if they were available or not...if you're going to do Twiggy, you're going to do mod.

And to be quite honest, mod is relatively simple. Big bold blocks of color and funky accessories. Not to mention boots. How did he not do boots?!

Secondly, had Vincent simply changed the plaid parts of the design to white, he would have accomplished the mod, block colored, look with a cool twist. I could have even dealt with those pockets on it.

At least he didn't make a hat.

Thank god for small favors, no?

So, our dear Bradley is gone...who's going to compare themselves to animals outside of their element now? I'll kind of miss that.

Next week, the designers visit some sort of factory.

Is it too much to hope that they'll leave Jeffrey there?

Quack.

"Full Tilt Boogie Angela Quilted Extravaganza of Puff" is the New "Whickety Whack"

Cuz they're basically the same thing.

Bad Mommy had so many quotable quotes this episode!

As for the episode itself...kinda boring. I can't lie.

Before I get into the BIG SHOCKING EJECTION, I'll explain the challenge...as if you don't know already.

They are designing for INC at Macy's which is hot cuz I like the clothes.

Some guy whose name I don't remember elvaluated all the sketches and chose four. Why only four? What's with all the damn team challenges? I want fashion dammit!

Okay, I'm good now.

The dude picks Keith (duh), Robert (duh), Bonnie and Angela (huh?).

Teams are picked and Angela made the brilliant choice of choosing Michael and Laura. Her construction skills with their taste ended up kind of fantastic.

The designers only get $100. That's really not much. I spent over $300 the other night on purses. No...really...

But everyone did a good job at Mood. Keith finagled some money of his total for fabric.

"I always kinda break the rules, just like a tiny bit sometimes, cuz I think I'm right." -Jude...I mean Keith

That's a direct quote. I rewound it a couple of times ot be sure. He actually said this at Mood.

Oh foreshadowing...why must you taunt me so...

Let's get down to business. Keith got the big 'ol boot last night for hiding books under his bed on sewing.

That's it? No really, that's it?

I thought it would be something much more shocking. Like maybe Keith kidnapped Michael Kors and was torturing him for fashion ideas about womenswear, because we all know Keith is a menswear designer.

I mean, he did leave production for a few hours which was another part of his elimination. Maybe I'm onto something here.

Sorry Michael!

I'm beginning to think that Bradley is bat shit crazy. First it was Vincent, then it was Angela and now Bradley can wear the crown.

Soon after offering to shave his beard to please Bonnie, (no...really...) Bradley talks about how out of the loop he is. Aren't we designing here? Aren't you a designer?

"I'm a fish without water, I'm a squid with no ocean, I'm an eagle with no sky."

Yeah, a squid with no ocean...and a shovel...

As for the other teams, Jeffrey and Angela are making it work...snooze...

...and Robert is having mad issues. Fa' real?! Turns out his design is sort of "Flight attendant-y" a la Kayne. But according to Robert, Kayne has the taste of a love starved hyena.

That comparison is...well...different.

And it turns out Michael is kind of a bad ass.

At least in the Tresemme hair salon.

It's runway time bitches!

Jude is gone and we're left with some odd turtleneck that is giving birth to a wife beater.

The skinny pants were hot at least.

Robert's flight attendant has decided to go skiing in the Adirondacks.

The hyena was right...

Bonnie's model ended up looking sort of mod...in a really horrible way.

And the pants were all paunchy. That's what you get with $100 at Mood.

Onto Angela's design...

It looks cute! And classy! And there's not a bubble to be seen!

Hallelujah to Laura and Michael for toning down the "full tilt boogie etc..." and making a really chic and wearable outift.

Here it is at Macy's.

http://slimages.macys.com/is-viewers/dynapi/src/lib/tsapi/images/cover.gif?328x400

I think I'm going to go buy it. Or at least see it in person. Or at least buy the hot rouched top.

Alright children...what's the moral of this crazy Project Runway episode?

Don't ever fuck with a pageant queen...of any kind.

Or hyenas for that matter.

That, and grey is the new brown ;)

Next week, the models go ape shit over fashion icons. I kind of want to see someone get poked in the eye with an elbow or ribcage.

Oh, and Michael Kors is back! Bring on the snark...