Somewhere, Unicorns Are Sobbing... Season 3 - Episode 6

...a Care Bear is sitting silently in a dark room...

...and a rainbow has just crumbled to the ground.

See?!

Do ya see?!

Look what you've done, Klum!

The most adorable and sweetest designer in Project Runway history is gone because Vincent's cringe-inducing love toward his designs makes for good television.


For shame.

Okay, I'm done...I think...

Our designers challenge was completely trashy, har har.

But seriously...who wants to wade through other peoples garbage for fashion? Fortunately for viewers the majority of the designs looked pretty good.

Someone's trash is another person's cocktail dress...or something.

So Tim wakes the designers up at 5am and we saw everyone looking ten kinds of tired and all "Get that camera out of my face"

Laura was wearing pajamas...you mean she doesn't wear cocktail dresses and riding boots to bed?

Well, she DID wear the riding boots (not to mention the rest of the riding outift) to the recycling plant.

Alison says something along the lines of "It's a good thing you brought that in case its horses."


I mean...not quite, but that's probably the most casual thing Laura brought with her.

So they enter Jersey where horses and trash inter-mingle, Laura says something nasty about The Garden State and I nod in agreement...sorry Jersey lovers.

Tim shows them this warehouse and the designers are all "Where are we?" I guess the smell didn't indicate they'd be wading through nastiness.

The designers are given proctective gear to wear...just in case paper falls on them.


But I can't even front. Tim looks totally cute in his kicky yellow contruction hat.

They also get $25 to make the trash look pretty.

Pretty trashy?

It's just too easy this time...

Anyway, Bad Mommy Laura turned the bitch switch up to full volume this week. I heard this rumor, that if you stare directly into her eyes, you'll have a seizure.

I can't be sure...it's just what I hear.

While on the subject of Laura, I can't help but discuss Robert and Kayne's queenie meal break where they totally broke her down.

While I think talking about people behind their back is a tad on the wrong side (don't get me wrong, I do it...but I feel bad after...and I'm also not on national TV) I think it's cool that they are so "feh" about her mannerisms.

I feel like Laura could make you cry with one sentence or shudder just by looking at you critically. Jeffrey's clearly affected by her (or the stick up his ass) and I think Angela might be terrified of her.

Seeing Robert and Kayne so comical made it seem okay that her blood is laced with ice.

And nuts.

And low cut, v-neck dresses, in non-threatening colors that hit just above your knee.

While I have to give her props for doing the whole "For Nuts Only" on the back (not to mention pretending to beatbox with Michael, despite the fact that she probably has negative rhythm) this looks oddly familiar...

Oh that's right! It's because you designed the same dress that you have on!

This picture looks like some weird, side-by-side comparison illusion, where the people are actually the exact same, but the colors are completely inverted.

I love Bad Mommy and she makes for great tv, but her designs are hella boring. She needs to step up.

In other news, Jeffrey is the only designer who deserves to be in this competition.

At least in Jeffrey's mind. For someone whose chin and neck kind of blend together he's awfully critical of other people. Maybe that's why he got the tattoos...so people could see the difference.

At least he didn't do that quacking shit again. That was fucking annoying.

Jeffrey's bitching wasn't for naught however, as he ALMOST won another challenge.

Maybe if her weren't such an asshole, I could feel bad for his thiscloseness. His models shoes were hot though, and he used my school colors, so I can't be all mad.

Tim sort of torked me off this week when he called Alison's model "zaftig".

zaf·tig or zof·tig (zäftk, -tg)
adj.
1. Full-bosomed.
2. Having a full, shapely figure.
3. Deliciously plump, or carrying your extra weight very well.

Alison's model is many things...

..."zaftig" is not one of them.

I am zaftig. I'm 5'9" and wear a size 14 or 16. I carry my weight well and always feel good about myself.

Alexandra is not zaftig.

Okay, maybe this dress is a little balloony...or bubbly...for the love of GOD! Why so many bubble SKIRTS!

Anyway, I usually think Tim speaks the gospel about everything, but I have to way disagree with that.

I also have to disagree with the advice he gave to Kayne.

I think I'm the only person who watched the show this week that actually liked Kayne's first skirt. Granted, it was essentially just a ball gown skirt with a giant flower painted on it and green tipped bottle tops, but the flower was really really pretty.

Instead, Kayne used Mylar and instead of having it look as though a "toad exploded all over her" she looked like a cracked out Tinkerbell walking the mean streets of Neverland.

Give this chick some glitter wings and fairy dust and she can go around spreading std's and poorly laced drugs to everyone in NYC. Maybe that's why Nina and Michael are always so snarky.

My bad...sorry Tink.

Speaking of Michael, Kayne's toad comment totally had me flashing back to "It looks like...like a baboon's ass exploded all over her backside!" Which Michael technically never said, but I figure spot-on impressions kind of work like osmosis.

I'm also pretty sure I'm the only one that actually liked the hair and makeup and thought it added to the design, crazy as it was.

Good thing for Kayne he told the truth that he messed up and saved himself. That's good, since I kind of love him.

And the Other Designers Who Used Mylar Better Than Kayne award goes to...

Robert

Uli

and Angela.

Congrats bitches, you made Bradley's disasterous foil from last week look kind of hot. Doesn't Angela's model look a little "Take me to you leader" in that picture?

Yeah, she looks all kinds of alien here.

Vincent's ass should have been out this week. The made an ugly tube dress and threw shit on it. Then he got mad creepy and started saying things about how it made it feel.

I'm not going there.

It's scares me.

It's fucking hideous.

It looks like Jackson Pollack for drunk and booted all over it.

Plus it looks really difficult to walk in. Laura noticed this as well and completely loses her shit after Alison is aufed and goes after Vincent like my dog chases tennis balls. She starts verbally wailing on him and he tells her to shove some Harry Winstons up her nose, which is funny because she's fucking rolling in it.

She also got all up in Kayne's grill prior to the runway and Kayne's reaction was pretty hot as he explained that he wouldn't be berated on television. Bad Mommy needs a nap.

Michael wins again!

Unfortch, he got overshadowed by all the whickety drama going on.

The use of the plastic tarp as a chic wrap was genius though! And good job using that accessories wall to it's fullest.

So Alison is gone and we won't be able to see her sweet face any longer.

It's sad.

Come out of the dark TenderHeart Bear. We'll see Alison again soon.

I will try to leave you with some funny.

Doesn't Robert look like he's posing for a phone sex advertisement in this picture?

I bet his whiny lisp really rakes in the dough...

Just call 1-900-DISCO-BALL.

And before you do ANYTHING else today, go here and check out Rich's Fleurchon/Vagina argument caps. Even if you've seen it before it's still funny as shit. I've read it like five times.

So next week is a mystery...unless BPRers can figure it out...you know we're like bloodhounds for this show!

Don't forget to support Robert in his night job!